Love According to Padfoot
by bekah.jane
Summary: Following the break up of Remus's first relationship, Sirius vows to use his status as Hogwarts' finest to help his friend out. However, Sirius's matchmaking plans may have a different  although not entirely unwelcome  outcome. Eventual R/S
1. Remus the Avenger

**WARNING: This story is a slow burner, meaning that the romantic progression will take a realistic time to play out. I love instant boylove as much as the next person, believe me, but I really wanted to explore the aspects of sexuality with this one, so it'll take a little time. Hopefully you can appreciate the story for what it is and not get too impatient! Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>James Potter was considering his options. His eyes raked the dormitory, counting his exits and formulating as many escape plans as possible. Unfortunately, the only door out was currently blocked and his only other option was pitching himself out the window of Gryffindor Tower, so named because it was, in fact, a tower. So, short of pulling out his wand and throwing an AK at the objects of his torture, James resigned himself to the fact that he would just have to flatten himself to the wall, avert his eyes and endure it.<p>

Peter Pettigrew was eating dinner alone. Fate had dealt him a better hand than his friend James, it seemed. When the chaos began, Peter and James shared a look of anxious anticipation. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened, and experience had taught them that these instances were never fleeting. Luckily, the objects of their fears were too caught up in their own problems to notice the two boys, so Peter had quietly slipped into his Animagus form and, after sparing an apologetic look at the friend he was leaving behind, legged it across the room and skidded through the door just before it was slammed shut. Now he sat at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, shrugging off inquiries as to the location of his friends, wondering if he should collect some food in his pockets to take back to James.

Sirius Black was cowering. Not that he'd ever admit it later. He had been walking back to the dormitory after a long, tiring day of being Hogwarts' most elligible and desirable bachelor and had barely made it up two steps when he was ambushed. His attacker had grabbed him by the collar, dragging him the rest of the way up, ignorant to Sirius's protests. Once they'd reached the door, he had been pushed none too gently inside and, once the room was locked and silenced, the onslaught began. Once Sirius was upright and released, he was able to identify his ambusher and, once he'd realised what he was in trouble for, resorted to what seemed to be the only thing that would save him now; cowering.

Remus Lupin was raging. But as uncharacteristic as this tantrum was, given the circumstances he believed that it was perfectly justified. Well, the shouting was, but maybe not the grabbing and the shoving. The small part of his mind that still thought clearly was beginning to regret manhandling his friend but at the time there was nothing to help it. As soon as he was released from the clutches of his furious, freshly ex-girlfriend, he saw red. He stormed back to the common room in a blind rage, terrifying some second years on the couches with his angry antics. As soon as he saw the source of his rage he struck, dragging him to the dormitory where he could sort this mess out once and for all.

"OF ALL THE NASTY, BACKHANDED, CRUEL THINGS, SIRIUS..."

Unfortunately, Remus's coherent arguments seemed to have run out a few moments ago, so he was quickly falling into half sentences of depleting volume and sting. Sirius took this as his signal to get a word in.

"Moony, just listen for a moment..."

Wrong plan, it seemed.

"DON'T 'MOONY' ME!"

"But that's your-"

"THAT'S WHAT MY FRIENDS CALL ME! YOU, SIRIUS BLACK, ARE NO FRIEND OF MINE!"

"Whoa, whoa-"

"WHAT KIND OF FRIEND DOES THAT TO THEIR FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND!"

Until then, Sirius had been content to sit back and let Remus yell, knowing that, on some level, he had it coming. However, if there was one thing Sirius Black prided himself on, it was his loyalty to his friends, and his actions that day were rife with nothing but.

"A BLOODY GOOD FRIEND, REMUS, AND IF YOU WOULD SHUT UP FOR FIVE SECONDS I MIGHT BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN WHY!"

Until then, Remus had been content to let his anger run his mouth, mildly impressed with the outcome. However, if there was one thing Remus Lupin hated himself for, it was his submission to conflict.

"Okay."

Sirius almost reprimanded Remus for backing down so easily, but he decided now was not the time.

"Well..." Sirius huffed, frustrated that, during his only window to explain, his mind had chosen now to go blank, "It's kind of a long story..."

It seemed that all of Remus's steam was gone by now and he reached up a hand to loosen his tie, flopping down on the end of the nearest bed.

"Just... Look, I know, deep down... Deep, deep down that you meant well. You're not cruel, at least not to me."

Sirius's eyes widened earnestly and he crossed to room quickly to sit beside his friend, close enough that their shoulders touched. His normally immaculate posture, the result of a pureblood childhood, slumped.

"I did, Rem, I wasn't trying to hurt you. I just... When I heard that that..." his jaw clenched and his lip curled, slightly resembling a snarling Padfoot, "... evil, obnoxious, traitorous skank-"

"Sirius."

"Sorry. Just, when I heard what _she _did I was so angry..." he sighed heavily, looking away from Remus, "I went looking for her. I was probably just going to chew her out, maybe call her fat or something, but she was so... nonchalant about it. She was all 'So?' and honestly Rem, I must have blacked out or something."

Remus's eyes were closed and he almost looked in pain, taking in deep, calming breaths.

"I'd already spoken to her, Sirius, I ended it the minute I found out."

"I know, Pete told me. It was just her attitude, it reminded me so much of my bitch cousins." he snarled again, "And after everything this girl has put you through..."

It was true, Remus's relationship with Christine Scott had been a turbulent ride for all the Marauders. The pretty blonde Ravenclaw had come into their lives as one of Sirius's many conquests but had decided she liked Remus more (Sirius didn't speak to Remus for two days). At first, Remus had thought it was heaven. It went without saying that romance was a tricky business when one turned into a raging, furry monster once a month, but Christine never asked many questions. The others had thought him the luckiest man alive, to snag a girl who didn't care if he disappeared for nights on end and he, himself, was smitten. But after three weeks, the relationship turned sour. Sweet, exciting Christine had, it seemed, become a raging monster of her own (less fur, thankfully).

"I could have handled it... I did handle it." Remus muttered, more to convince himself than anything.

Sirius scoffed, "Merlin himself couldn't have handle that woman, and that man was the king of skirt."

Remus couldn't help but laugh, albeit tiredly.

"I really am sorry that I caused you trouble," Sirius said after a moment.

Remus smiled and shook his head, "Nah, it's okay. I guess I should be thankful I have someone like you in my life."

Sirius puffed out his chest proudly and joked, "Yes, you should!"

But Remus could see the relieved glint in his eyes and he couldn't help but forgive Sirius in an instant.

"Well that's just adorable. Now, I'd suggest we go wash all those good feelings down with a little dinner but it appears your little catfight ran all through dinner."

The irritable voice made them both jump, looking up to the opposite wall.

Sirius grinned sheepishly, "Sorry, Jim..."


	2. The Night of Silencing Charms

**Update, ahoy! Thank you very much to my wonderful reviewers! If I'm honest, this is probably my first serious attempt at writing a romance story and I'm a little nervous. Your positive feedback was definitely a big encouragement :D Just so you know, I plan to update every Wednesday. I have a couple more chapters that I've already written and would love to give to you all but I'm unwilling to set a standard of nightly updates or something because I won't be able to keep up with it, especially when the school year starts. That said, I hope you can forgive me for a week's wait! Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Remus supposed it terribly feminine to lay awake for half the night wondering what his other half was doing now. Unfortunately, his mind couldn't be distracted. Christine had been his first girlfriend, embarrassingly so considering his age, and for a while there he'd been truly happy. Christine was amazing, beyond that she was enviable. Just a little shorter than him, which was impressive given his recent growth spurts, with hair like honeycomb and thick lashed blue eyes. His heart panged uncomfortably as he damned himself over and over for screwing it up. But then again, he had the right to choose, and he'd chosen right... Hadn't he?<p>

Mercifully, his thoughts were cut short before they entered dangerous regret territory. A shaggy head appeared, poking in through his curtains, eyes wide from the dark and a lack of glasses.

"You awake, Rem?" he asked in James's best attempt of a whisper. Sadly, James Potter had never mastered the art of being quiet.

"Yeah, what's up?" Remus actually whispered.

"Can I come in?"

However, he already had, closing the curtains behind him and muttering a quick silencing charm.

"Shove over, mate." he spoke at a normal volume now, "Want a tart?"

Remus shifted over in bed to allow James to slip under the covers next to him and shook his head at the offered miniature treacle tart.

"No thanks. Where'd you get them, anyway?"

James shoved the last tart in his mouth, "Pe'e brough' em back f'om dinn'r."

Remus snorted at his friend's antics, instantly comforted. He always felt that way around James, whose easy going, sometimes tactless mannerisms always seemed to be what he needed at the time.

"So, what can I do for you?" he asked once James had swallowed his mouthful.

James shot him an exasperated look, "Please, do I even have to tell you."

Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Fill me in!" he shouted.

Remus sighed. Of course James would want all the details. For all the rugged Quidditch playing and mischievous prank pulling, James sure could gossip like a girl.

"What do you know?"

"Just that you're done with Christine and Sirius did something to piss her off." James recalled, making a face, "I hate being uninformed."

"Wow, that's all? Careful James, I think things are happening in this school without you knowing!" Remus said sarcastically, dodging the punch that followed.

"Poke fun all you want, but I know that the only way to avoid being squashed by the rumor mill is to turn it yourself. You can quote me on that if you want."

Remus laughed as he settled further into his pillows.

"So," James asked, voice softening, "What happened?"

"Well, you know how Christine was going home to her parents' last weekend?"

James nodded, "Yeah, she said he dad was really ill."

Remus rolled his eyes, "Turns out it was actually one of her Muggle friend's birthday and she wanted to go to a party. I dunno how she got her parents to agree to signing her out for the weekend, they're supposed to be really strict. But anyway, one of her old boyfriends was there and she'd apparently had so lot to drink... Well, you know."

James's jaw was almost brushing the quilt. Remus nodded.

"What a cow!" he exclaimed after a moment of stunned silence, "Who told you?"

"That's the weirdest thing," Remus enthused, "She did!"

James groaned, "Oh, let me guess, she did the whole 'Oh, I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself, but I think the important thing is that I came to you first' routine?"

Remus laughed at James's impression but shook his head, "More like the 'I slept with my ex boyfriend at a party, deal with it' thing."

James gave a low whistle, "Wow... What a piece of work, that girl... So what about Padfoot, what did he do to piss you off?"

"Well, I don't really know the full story. All I know is that Christine gave me one hell of a slap for it. Apparently Sirius let slip to Dumbledore that Christine was skiving school for a birthday party and she got in a ton of trouble."

James laughed and, now that his head was clear, his face wasn't sore and he'd heard Sirius's side, Remus couldn't help but join in.

"Serves her right mate, she had that coming."

Remus sighed gently, "I suppose she did. I guess I just felt bad, considering all the times we've snuck out. And she's got a bit of a reputation with the teachers for being pretty harmless and now that's ruined. I shouldn't have gotten so mad at Sirius, he was only standing up for me."

James shrugged, "He's over it, I guarantee. He doesn't hold grudges often, our Padfoot. At least, not with us."

With that James, slipped out from the covers and stood up, "Well, I'm off to bed."

"Night, James."

"G'night." he waved a hand, "Oh, and hey... Don't get too caught up in this whole Christine thing. You deserve a whole lot better and you know it."

"Thanks mate..."

James lifted the charm with a flick of his wand and disappeared behind the curtains, leaving Remus to his marginally lighter hearted thoughts. He pulled the covers up to his chin, smiling into the darkness and allowed his eyes to drift shut. Yes, James was right, Christine had done a horrible thing and it wasn't his fault at all. In the back of his mind, Remus distantly noted how easily he seemed to have gotten over the girl. Perhaps he wasn't so smitten after all. But then why did he still feel that odd clench in his heart?

Just as he was about to discard that thought and drift off, however, another silencing charm alerting him to the presence of another visitor.

"Remus?"

This voice was hesitant and careful, like a puppy slinking back to it's owner after peeing on the carpet. Remus had to fight back a laugh as he opened his eyes and identified his visitor to be Sirius.

"What's up, Siri?" he asked wearily, lethargy finally catching up with him.

In stark contrast to James, Sirius climbed slowly onto the edge of his bed, perching carefully on his knees and peering owlishly down at Remus. Remus frowned worriedly. Normally Sirius would behave similarly to James, settling right in with no hesitation. This strange Sirius hesitated, biting his lip nervously.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked, propping himself up on his elbows.

Sirius nodded and spoke uneasily, "Yeah, I guess. I just... I wanted to ask you something."

Remus raised his eyebrows, "Of course, you can ask me anything, you know that."

Sirius took a breath, stressing his lip for another moment before speaking.

"Can I call you Moony again?"

Remus couldn't help the affectionate laugh that spilled out, "Of course, Padfoot."


	3. With a Side of Revelations

**Less humor in this chapter, fair warning. I suppose I should let you know that this will be a common thing. A lot of the story is intended to be humorous but there is plot-necessary seriousness that will come up every now and then. Sorry if you were looking for something solely funny! If you are, (blatant self advertising ahead) you might enjoy some of the Marauder one shots that I've written. Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong><strong>"I think breakfast might be my favorite meal of the day..." Peter supplied.

And that was the only sentence spoken throughout the entirety of the morning meal.

The Marauder mood was at an all time low. After such a heart warming night of friendship and forgiving, it really was a shame that they'd had to run into Christine on the way to the Great Hall. The blonde girl had seemed surprisingly active considering that she'd spent the night in detention. In fact, Christine looked anything but exhausted as she quite vigorously made out with Ryan Sheppard in the middle of the corridor.

His friends had been quick to lead him away from the sight, but the damage had been done. Remus's lips seemed to permanently press together as if to stem the flow of either tears or fury and he couldn't bring himself to eat a thing. James and Sirius were in identical states of outrage, glaring daggers at the Ravenclaw harlet's back across the room. Peter seemed to have cracked under the stress, shoulders hunching as if trying to make himself as small as possible. In general, it was not a pleasant sitting at all.

As they walked to their first class, History of Magic, James placed an inconspicuous hand on Remus's forearm, holding him back a few paces from their oblivious friends.

"Forget about her!"

It was no surprise that James was the first to break their collective silence.

Remus's lips finally parted, letting out a dejected sigh that had been long overdue.

"Mate, she's not worth mourning! There'll be so many others, you won't remember her name by the time we graduate." he continued.

Remus looked over at his friend, confused at his tone. If Remus knew James, and he did, he could detect urgency and... pleading? James's large hazel eyes behind black frames definitely showed it.

"Just forget it. We'll talk later." Remus muttered, gaze lingering as James looked away and caught up with Sirius and Peter. He didn't know what had James so riled up but he wasn't sure he was in any state to deal with it today.

Due to the lack of stimulating conversation, the Marauders had left breakfast slightly earlier than normal, meaning they had full pick of seating once they reached the classroom. They chose the very back, regardless of the fact that the ghost professor probably wouldn't catch them talking even in the front row. James pointedly sat next to Remus, forcing Sirius to sit at the desk across from them with Peter. Remus added this to his new mental list of James's odd behavior for the morning.

The classroom slowly filled and not long after that, Professor Binns floating through the chalkboard and began his lecture. Almost immediately, the class erupted with whispered conversation.

"What's the deal, James? You always sit with Sirius." Remus turned to his friend who had already taken to doodling in the margins of his textbook.

James looked over at his friend and then back to Remus, shrugging indifferently.

"Did you two have a fight?" Remus asked.

"Nope."

"Okay... Does he have some business with Pete?"

"Don't think so."

Remus was getting frustrated quickly.

"Prongs, for god's sake, I'm not daft. What's going on?"

James set down his quill with a heavy sigh and looked down. He was quiet for a long moment and Remus tried to gather all of his patience. Finally, James turned to face him.

"I just... I guess I wanted to talk to you." he said carefully.

Remus's brows knitted together, "Is this about Christine?"

James nodded and Remus frowned, making to turn away. Just as he'd thought, he really didn't want to deal with this today.

"No, wait!" James grabbed his arm again, turning him back, "I'm sorry, I wouldn't pry like this if it wasn't important."

"James, I really don't want to talk about it." he said firmly, "I appreciate your concern but I just want to forget it ever happened."

"Good, that's what you should do. But..."

"But what, James?" Remus snapped a little too harshly.

James sighed again, letting his forehead fall roughly onto the desk. Remus winced a little at the loud thunk it made. When James spoke, his words were at top speed and heavily muffled.

"Idunwanthik'oulone."

"Uhh... Yes?"

James lifted his head, staring at him exasperatedly.

"What? I couldn't understand you!"

James huffed and cringed as he said, "I don't want you to think you'll always be alone."

It was Remus's turn to huff. He'd suspected something like this.

"It's just... I know she was your first girlfriend and I'd hate for you to think that she'll be the last!" James said hurriedly.

Remus groaned, "Stop, James, just stop."

"No, Moony, listen! I know you were shocked when she started to show an interest. And I know you've worried that you'll never be able to settle down because of your problem. But you're clever, kind and selfless and I have no problem saying you're good looking. Any girl would be lucky to have you, occasional furriness be damned!"

"James!" Remus snapped a little too loudly.

The surrounding tables, including Sirius and Peter, turned to look at them. James dropped his chin to the desk and looked away. Sirius caught Remus's eye and jerked his head quizzically, to which Remus just shook his, rolling his eyes. Once the attention was off them, Remus turned to his partner.

"I'm not some lovesick girl, James, my world hasn't ended. So just stop."

James nodded glumly and Remus immediately felt remorse.

"But... thanks." he said softly, bumping shoulders with his dejected friend.

James's characteristic grin began to slip back into place.

"I meant what I said," he said after a content pause, "About not mourning her. Obviously she's not mourning you so don't give her the satisfaction."

Remus frowned a little, this time in contemplation.

"I know. But... If I'm honest..." he struggled to find the right phrasing, "I don't know if it's her I'm sad about, y'know?"

James shook his head, "No, not really. I thought you really liked her."

"Well... I definitely enjoyed being with her, that's for sure. But after she told me about that bloke at the party and then when I saw her this morning... I think it was more the fact that she'd scammed me that got to me, not that she was with other guys."

James raised his eyebrows and scoffed, "Wow, Moony... Watch out, soon you'll have a legion of birds you barely care about!"

Remus shot James an exasperated look, "Please, Prongs, your authority to lecture me on how to treat women was revoked long before I even met Christine."

James laughed at that, nodding his head in agreement.

"I know it sounds bad," Remus continued in a more solemn tone, "But she can't have cared much about me either if she resorted to cheating."

"I'm just joking with you, Moony, there's no shame in that. She was a pretty horrible tart by the end there, I can't blame you for going off her."

Remus smiled appreciatively, "Thanks mate, feels good to have that off my chest."

James grinned back, "Any time."

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks so much for all the positive feedback, guys! See you next Wednesday! 3<strong>


	4. Get My Doggy, Bring My Doggy, Bye Bye!

**The chapter is one hundred percent dedicated to my best friend who is not only my number one fan but my Remus. Because believe me, Diva!Sirius in this chapter is nothing compared to me and she takes it all in stride.**

**P.S 100 house points to whoever recognizes the quote from the chapter title!**

* * *

><p>"If I were a prostitute, I'd dress like Moony."<p>

"What? Why?"

"It's a compliment. You dress like you don't have syphillis."

"I _don't _have syphillis!"

"Well that's always good."

"Wait, why are you a prostitute in the first place?"

"Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it."

"JAMES!"

"I'm not saying I have! Geez, Moony. But I'd like to keep my options open and I'm just pointing out that I've found my selling point."

"Dressing like you don't have syphillis?"

"Exactly."

It had been two days since the uncomfortably heartfelt conversation in History of Magic and Christine Scott had become a mere ghost of a worry in Remus's mind, so trivial that he found himself laughing about the ordeal at lunch by the lake.

"I heard Sheppard dumped her that night. Serves her right." Peter commented as he shifted to let Sirius into the circle.

"Don't know how he could stomach her in the first place," James sneered before turning to the new arrival, "Alright, mate?"

Sirius gave an unimpressed huff and rolled his eyes, "I swear I'm booking an appointment with McGonagall to get changed out of Divination. I dunno what I was thinking, taking that joke of a class."

His expression brightened considerably as he noticed the array of food they'd snuck from the Great Hall. He loosened his tie and grabbed a pastry with his free hand, "So what are we talking about?"

"The Ravenwhore."

Sirius's eyes brightened with enthusiasm, "Go on."

Remus fought down the urge to scoff at Sirius's eagerness to trash talk his ex girlfriend and explained, "Apparently she's bored with our kind."

James jumped in, equally as enthused as Sirius, "McKinnon told me she's having it off with one of the Slytherin team chasers!"

Sirius threw his head back in loud, barking laughter.

"Oh god," he wheezed, "Which one?"

"Nobody knows. I'd keep it on the down low, too, if it were me." Peter chuckled.

"Hopefully not the third year." Remus commented, sending the group into howling laughter once more.

It was the familiar, comfortable conversation and maybe the added bonus of a fine, clear day that had lulled Remus into passive security. The small pessimist in his mind, the voice that was also behind such gems as 'It's definitely going to rain now that you've made plans', 'Question five was so wrong, they're probably going to pin it up in the staff room and laugh for the rest of eternity' and 'You can take the curtains down all you'd like but James is still going to find something to set on fire', was telling him that it was too good to be true but Remus was beyond caring. He had his friends, good food and a new outlook of love, how could anything possibly go-

"I have an idea!"

-wrong.

Remus's body tensed on it's own accord and he had to restrain himself from ducking for cover.

Instead, he forced a casual expression onto his face and managed to grind out, "Yes, Sirius?"

For all of his charm, charisma and natural talent with a wand, Sirius Black's creative mind was greatly feared by those in the know. Remus was yet to figure out if that particular part of Sirius's brain was either underdeveloped or actually incredible. In fact, not all of Sirius's ideas ended badly but they did make one seriously ponder the 'end doesn't justify the means' sentiment. All that could be said was that Sirius's mind would have to be a scary, brilliant place. Though, with that said, it was incredibly difficult to refuse such a face of excitement and self satisfaction.

So Remus ignored Peter making finger-knife gestures in his peripheral vision and instead forced himself to look captivated. Sirius threw him an exasperated look.

"Oh please, Moony, I could practically see the cogs turning in your head just now. Will you calm down? This one's a good one."

"Every one's a good one." James said sourly, leaning heavily against the tree trunk, "I'm getting too old for this."

"I wonder if you could say that again with even more sass." Sirius threw over his shoulder, having shifted to capture Remus's entire attention, "This doesn't concern you. Moony, listen to my idea."

Remus visibly shivered, "Okay."

"What am I?"

"Uh..."

James sat up again, frowning at Sirius, "I thought this was an idea."

"THIS DOESN'T-"

"Concern me, yeah, yeah, I get it. God, you're a bitch today." James stood and tugged Peter up by his arm, "Enjoy your handful, Remus."

Remus almost begged them to stay but they'd already made a brisk break for the castle. He turned back to Sirius who seemed to be one second away from sticking his tongue out at James. It was all in good fun so Remus chuckled freely.

"So what's this idea of your's?" he asked regretfully after a moment.

"No, no, you have to answer my question first!"

"Huh?"

"What am I?"

"Oh... Uh... A wizard?"

Sirius stared.

"Are you kidding?"

Remus shrugged, "First thing that came to mind."

"A wizard?"

Remus shifted uncomfortably under a glare that was quickly becoming outraged.

"Um... Yes?"

"A wizard, Remus! Of all my qualities!"

"What do you mean?" Remus asked defensively, "You didn't tell me how specific I needed to be!"

"It doesn't matter, Remus, you're my friend! The first thing that comes to mind when you think of me should NOT be just 'a wizard'."

"But it's what you are! What wrong with being a wizard? You're a great wizard!"

"Every sodding person in this school is a wizard! Are you telling me that when you talk about me to other people, all you can manage is 'You know, Sirius Black, the one who's a wizard'?"

"That doesn't make any sense."

"My identifier is 'wizard'!"

Remus sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose as he took in a deep gulp of air.

"No, Sirius, your identifier isn't 'wizard'. You have many outstanding qualities that I could use to describe you to these hypothetical other people I talk to." he deadpanned before adding spitefully, "If I had to name one, I'd say 'diva'."

Sirius was silent for a second before huffing prissily, "I was going for 'Hogwarts' most eligible bachellor', just so you know."

Remus spluttered in frustration, "How the hell was I meant to get that in one go? That was the broadest question in the world and you expect me to immediately jump to 'Hogwarts' man whore'?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow in disapproval, an ugly expression somehow made elegant on his aristocratic face, "This isn't funny, Remus, this is a betrayal."

Remus sighed for what felt like the tenth time in the past minute, "James was right, you really are bitchy today."

Sirius scoffed, "You haven't seen bitchy yet. But keep talking, you're well on your way."

"Are you going to tell me your idea or do you insist on all of this dramatic foreplay?"

Sirius considered him for a moment before giving in, "Fine. But I'm not over this 'wizard' business."

Remus fought back the urge to protest the injustice of it again, opting to keep the diva happy.

"So what are you thinking?"

As he remembered his idea, the haughty indignation slid off Sirius's face in an instant, replaced with that bubbly anticipation from before.

"Mr Moony," Sirius spoke after clearing his throat importantly, "As Hogwarts' most eligible bachellor, I hearby appoint myself to the position of your matchmaker."

"Absolutely not."

* * *

><p><strong>See you next Wednesday! 3<strong>


	5. And Killed Him With a Mallet

**Not much to say about this one, just that I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

><p>After three days of non stop pestering, Sirius had drawn up a proposal, delivered directly onto Remus's face at 7 'o' clock in the morning.<p>

_Messr Padfoot, here being of sound mind, pure heart and generous cock size, offers to help Messr Moony procure one (1) girlfriend of his choosing. Messr Padfoot plans to teach Messr Moony the ways of woman and, to the best of his ability, transform the subject from a 'prudish book-shagger' into a gentleman between the scale of 'moderately loin stirring' to 'Sirius Black', results varying. In return for his generosity, Messr Padfoot only asks that Messr Moony remembers this favor should it need to be repaid and also agrees to a full upheaval of all bitchy, whining, belly aching and generally pussy boying. _

_Signed,_

_Messr Padfoot_

_(With approval from Messrs Prongs and Wormtail)_

"Just humor him," James advised, "He's helping."

Remus raised an eyebrow and James scowled.

"Oh come on, you know the definition of terms differs when in reference to Sirius."

Remus allowed that.

"But I won't get a moment of peace!" he protested, "And you know he'll use it as an opportunity to remind us of just how suave he is whenever possible."

James sighed, "I'm willing to put up with that if it'll get him off my case."

"Your case?"

"I'm actually supposed to be convincing you right now, his orders." James rolled his eyes, "Come on Moony, be reasonable. Who knows, maybe it'll work after all?"

Remus shot him a glare.

"Not that you aren't capable, yourself!" James finished, raising his hands in innocence, "He's the one who suggested it, not me! But seriously, think about it. He really does want to help."

Remus was half in deep thought and half in disbelief that he was even thinking about it when they joined their friends in the common room. Dinner had just finished so the room was packed but senior benefits dictated that the Marauders' chairs by the fire were reserved. Sirius and Peter were already there when they arrived.

Remus tried to avoid Sirius's penetrating stare but managed to get caught in it anyway. Sirius's face was a mixture of hopefulness and self righteousness and all Remus could manage was a roll of his eyes before sitting in the chair furthest away from his problem. He tuned the glare out as he pulled out a textbook and began to read, listening vaguely to the conversation around him.

"Anyone started their Transfigurations essay?" Peter asked conversationally.

James and Sirius let out twin groans, the latter seemingly forgetting his plight for now.

"That's due tomorrow, isn't it?" Sirius confirmed.

Peter nodded, "Yep. But I've already got my excuse."

"What is it and how much do you want for it?" James asked desperately. There was no doubt that James was exceptionally gifted, especially when it came to Transfiguration, but with an increased Quidditch training schedule in preparation for the upcoming match and a week of detention for a prank he hadn't even organized, he feared he had begun to fall drastically behind.

"Probably won't work for you," Peter laughed and grinned apologetically, "Unless you can forge the note to say you were in the Hospital Wing all week."

"How _are _you feeling, by the way?" Sirius asked.

Peter had been out of action for the past three days thanks to a nasty incident in Potions that left him covered with bright orange fur and a terrible throat infection.

"I'm getting there," Peter rubbed his throat gingerly, "Pomfrey only let me out because she'd 'had enough of cleaning up all you Gryffindor boys' messes'."

"I'm just glad you're back, Astronomy was dead boring without you," Sirius commented, "Mind you, it's dead boring even with you there, but at least I had someone to sleep on."

James rolled his eyes before turning to Peter, "But that excuse won't work, you were there when we got the homework."

"We had that substitute woman, with some luck McGonagall will never know I was there."

"They take attendance, Pete," Sirius scoffed, "She'll know."

Peter frowned, "No they don't. I've never heard a teacher once call a roll!"

"Maybe because we're not seven! Jesus, Pete, they can't just not record attendance!" Sirius was laughing openly now.

"But what about practical lessons, or lectures? The teachers don't sit down for a second, they have no time to mark a roll!" Peter protested.

Sirius was curled up in his chair, clutching his stomach. James gripped Peter by the shoulders and stooped to look him in the eyes.

"Peter, we're wizards. In a magic school." he explained slowly, "I'm pretty sure they have spells for that. Y'know, spells, those handy little things that make it so we don't have to do things the Muggle way!"

Peter shook himself out of James's grasp and huffed, "Whatever. We'll see tomorrow."

Minutes later, James departed to serve his first detention and Peter climbed the stairs to take a shower. Remus's whole body clenched in preparation as he heard Sirius shift from his chair to the one next to him. There was a pregnant pause.

"Hey Remus."

Remus snapped his book shut, body jerking upright and he huffed loudly, "What?"

Sirius smirked at the reaction, "Calm down, buddy."

Remus scowled, "The answer's no so don't bother."

Now Sirius groaned, "Come on, Moony! I don't see what the problem is, you get full benefits!"

"The problem is you and your over inflated head! You've practically handed me a bike pump."

"A what?"

"Nevermind. Point is, no."

Sirius pouted. Actually pouted. Remus did a double take.

"I don't see what the problem is, Rem, I'm trying to help here."

Remus sighed, "I know you are. Look, it's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just... Just don't take this the wrong way but I don't want to do it the way you do."

Sirius frowned, face already prepared to be insulted once he figured out the insult, "Do what? Sex?"

Remus groaned at his crudeness, "No, Sirius. Dating. Your way is so... well, for lack of a better word, violent. I see it all the time. You spot a girl you like, declare her yours and practically bully her into going out with you. And if she won't, she's the biggest bitch in the world."

Sirius blinked, "What's your point?"

Remus sighed, "It's fine for you, I guess, you're okay with that. But I liked being with Christine for the companionship, not just a quick screw. And you build a real relationship in time, not your way."

"Oh god," Sirius moaned, "It's worse than I'd thought..."

Remus frowned, "Okay, that's the opposite of what I was expecting,"

Sirius sat forward and adopted a mocking tone, "Remus, don't take this the wrong way, but..."

His voice became a bark, "Get over yourself!"

It was Remus's turn to blink.

"You're a teenager, for god's sake. This is what these years are for. There's plenty of time for 'companionship' and 'romance' when we're older. And I'm not violent, thank you very much. We're doing it the way we should right now, having fun! We're too young for all your crap. We want to live and be free. One day we'll mature and we'll be ready for it all but not now!"

Remus felt like he'd been slapped. Curiously, it felt good. He was thoughtful for a moment. Perhaps his friend was right. After all, he'd tried the relationship thing and it had blown up in his face.

"Wow, Padfoot," Remus murmured, "I always kinda thought you were never going to settle."

Sirius grinned gently, "I can surprise people, you know. Nah, of course I want to settle down. But not yet."

Remus took a deep breath, "Okay, savor this moment because I can guarantee it'll never happen again; you might be right."

Sirius beamed, "About time! So you'll do it?"

"Fine. I'll give it a shot. But if it doesn't work out-"

"We'll stop immediately," Sirius finished, "Don't worry, it's your first time so I'll be gentle."

Remus ignored Sirius's seedy wink and stood up, "I'm going to bed to try and forget I just said that. Good night."

"Get some sleep, first lesson starts bright and early tomorrow morning!"

Remus scowled.

* * *

><p><strong>New chapter next Wednesday, as usual! Thank you for the reviews, they fill me with warm fuzzies and incentive to write more! xoxo<strong>


	6. The Art of Dress

**Hey lovelies, hope you enjoy the chapter!**

**A quick note; I've had comments on here and DeviantArt asking for more frequent updates. Oh god, you don't know how much I wish I could update every night but it just isn't possible! I'd run myself ragged before the first week was up, I'm sure! Thank you so much for the support everyone!**

* * *

><p>When Sirius had said 'bright and early' he'd only been half right. Casting a groggy Tempus charm told Remus that it was bordering on 5 'o' clock, so early was a fairly accurate proclamation.<p>

"The sun hasn't even... gone up." Remus whined into his pillow, forgetting the word 'risen' in his stupor.

Sirius was relentless. After discovering that his normal wake up method (a loud, operatic rendition of 'Bridge over Bubbled Potions') wasn't going to stir his tortured friend, he'd taken to, one by one, stealing items from Remus's bed.

"Cry my a river, Moony, you've already lost your covers and your curtains, can't decide if it'll be your pillow or your pants next," Sirius threatened cheerily as he pulled off Remus's socks.

Remus frowned at the threat and slowly began to stir, his body feeling heavy.

"Fine, fine," he grumbled, "I'm getting up. Mostly because I get the impression that you're all too eager to get my pants off."

Sirius ignored the jibe and grinned, "Perfect. Your sheets, curtains and socks will be returned to you at the end of the day."

"No they won't."

"No," Sirius agreed, "They probably won't. Nevermind, get in the shower, we have work to do."

Remus resisted the urge to crawl into the bathroom. He did walk with his eyes closed, however. Mercifully, Sirius steered him the right way by his shoulders and eventually (Remus couldn't remember how) he ended up in the shower, hot water slowly scalding away the sleepiness. Remus definitely respected Sirius for doing this every day and still managing to stay awake through classes.

Remus left the warm embrace of the shower when Sirius had decided he'd had enough (he informed Remus of this by flushing the toilet) and trudged back into the dormitory for the next phase. He almost turned right around and locked himself in the bathroom when he saw what was waiting for him.

"About time. I'm taking points off for excessive hot water usage." Sirius scolded.

"Points?" Remus muttered absently, staring in horror at his bed.

"Yes, points. When you've racked up enough, you progress to the next stage. You were doing well until that. For shame." Sirius gestured to Moony's bed, "Fortunately, you've got a second chance."

Remus walked over to his bed, although bed was probably not the right word to call it anymore. The bed was still there, yes, but it was buried in what looked like the clothes of every student in Hogwarts combined, all stacked and folded.

"What... Um... How?"

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Fashion boot camp. Normally I'd never do something like this, but you're a special case-"

Remus raised an eyebrow.

"A friend," Sirius remedied quickly, "So I pulled some samples from my own wardrobe."

"Samples?" Remus gasped, "Where the hell do you fit all this stuff, let alone the rest?"

Sirius huffed, "Jesus, you're as bad as Wormtail when you're tired. I'm gonna play the wizard card one more time."

Remus didn't have it in him to fight so he directed his attention to the mountains of clothes before him.

"So how does fashion boot camp work, he asks, regretting getting out of bed this morning," Remus muttered.

"Oh, don't be such a cynic. Come on, it'll be a learning experience. You're a whore for learning, right?"

"And you're just a whore. Good to know we even out." Remus snapped, "What does this even have to do with your love guru stunt?"

"Bitchiness will not be tolerated in this session, Remus, I thought we'd been over this," Sirius reminded him, "And it has everything to do with it. Before we begin to find you a girl, you need to be able to dress yourself."

"I can dress-"

"Inticingly." Sirius finished, "Just the same as we appreciate a girl in a short skirt, girls definitely judge us on our clothing."

"You should put that one a coffee mug." Remus said sarcastically.

"Scoff all you want, it's true and you'll know it."

"Sirius, this is ridiculous. It's a week day, we have to wear the uniform, remember?"

Sirus waved his hand dismissively and scoffed, "Please. I tossed my uniform out the day I got it."

Remus laughed disbelievingly, "Sure."

"It's true! First thing I did when I got my letter was get my hands on a copy of the rules. There's actually nothing that dictates specifics. As long as it's a white oxford and black trousers with the Gryffindor tie, we can wear whatever we want."

Before Remus could express just how ridiculous that sounded, Sirius huffed impatiently.

"Right, I'd forgotten you were dropped as a child." Sirius grabbed two white shirts from Remus's bed and held them up, "Look at these."

He tossed them to Remus who caught them begrudgingly. Closer examination showed that that there was, in fact, a difference between white oxford 1 and white oxford 2.

"Okay," Remus said thoughtfully, "I think I see your point."

Sirius beamed.

"Good. So it's just a matter of mixing and matching."

He looked at Remus expectantly. Remus blinked.

"DRESS!"

By the end of what had been dubbed 'Sirius's Not Camp Boot Camp', Remus was tired, grumpy, over dressed and, most importantly, in minus points. Sirius tutted all the way to breakfast.

"I've never had a student perform so poorly," he reprimanded.

"You've never had a student."

"I had one! And regardless of the fact that the other student was me, I can assure you that my teachings were very well recieved."

"Sirius, can I please change?" Remus begged, "This is barely the school uniform and I feel like a ponce."

Sirius glared stonily, "That's what I was wearing on Tuesday, you ungrateful prat."

Remus rolled his eyes, "And I'm sure it looked great on you because everything does."

Sirius's face lit up, "Well done, Moony, twenty bonus points for reciting 'Sirius's Law'!"

Remus kept a face a exasperated indifference but inside he smirked. He hated losing.

The corridors were completely deserted, given the ungodly hour that they'd awoken.

"So why do you get up this early, anyway?" Remus asked through a yawn.

"Ah, I'm glad you asked," Sirius said gleefully, "This is an important part of my success. It's a few steps ahead yet so you won't be practicing it today but you might as well know."

Remus was actually interested at this point.

"Girls, Remus, are strange creatures. They're hot beds of emotion. Some would say this makes them superior to us but I wholeheartedly disagree. See, without the attachment of emotion, men are given a whole other perspective on the world. We see things indifferently." Sirius gestured to a portrait on the wall of a young girl on a tree swing, "Take that, for example. We see a kid of a swing. What do girls see?"

"Uh... A kid on a swing with emotion?" Remus guessed.

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Good effort. Girls look at that and they're filled with a bunch of useless crap. They think 'Oh look, a little girl on a swing. I remember when I was a kid.' and then they get all sad and nostalgic. Or they think 'I wish I had a little girl on a swing' and they start getting maternal."

"This is all oddly specific, Sirius," Remus said doubtfully.

"Don't get any ideas, women are second nature to me, is all. I know how they work." he said proudly, "Anyway, when women get emotional they do weird things. They go off and cry just because their favorite shoes are ruined or the scream bloody murder when they see their friends. It's all very unneccessary."

"So what does this have to do with waking up early?"

"Because, my young apprentice, I'll let you in on a little secret. Girls who wake up early, sneak out of their dormitories and eat breakfast alone are sad. And girls who are sad, Moony, are desperate."

"Oh god, Padfoot..."

* * *

><p><strong>Due to incessant pressuring by my beautiful best friend, I've decided to upload a bonus chapter once I hit 10 chapter (so I'll upload the 11th that day, too). That's a few weeks away but I wanted to let you know now so I have incentive to follow through! Anyway, see you next Wednesday, have a great week!<strong>


	7. Last to Know

**Warning: This chapter may be incredibly terrible. I hate to make excuses but I've had a bitch of a week. I've been in and out of hospital for the past couple of days and I only just managed to write this in the time between. It's piecy and I couldn't even bare to try and read it back. Apologies, I promise I'll up my effort next week!**

* * *

><p>Hogwarts, it seemed, was not churning out any vulnerable girls that morning. In fact, Hogwarts seemed to take on the qualities of a ghost town in the early hours of the morning. The entirety of the Great Hall was empty when they arrived, making every step they took echo. Despite the eerie atmosphere, Sirius seemed perfectly at ease, sliding gracefully onto the bench. As soon as he sat, the table around him filled with food. Good to know at least the house elves were awake.<p>

Remus plopped onto the bench with not even a fraction of the elegance displayed by his friend, huffing as he did so. Sirius looked up mildly.

"Don't fret, Moony," he said cheerily, "Plently of desperate fish in the sea."

Remus fixed him with a sharp glare.

"Thank you for that." he snapped icily, "And that's not what I'm mad about."

Sirius didn't look up as he piled toast onto his plate but his eyebrows rose interestedly, "Oh?"

"You robbed me of at least an hour's sleep, Sirius!" Remus exclaimed, dropping his voice when his protests screamed back at him from the walls, "And will you stop acting so..."

"So...?"

"Aloof!"

Sirius smirked amusedly at him.

"Goodness, Moony, you're awful tense."

Remus almost punched him. Sirius rolled his eyes as he poured himself and Remus some coffee.

"Relax, Remus. It won't kill you to wake up a little earlier." he said, sliding the steaming cup across the table, "Besides, think of it as practice. For, y'know, the future."

"What future? You're rich! You probably won't work a day of your life!"

"Excuse you! I take offense to that!"

"You take offense to everything, Padfoot, because you can't just let anything go." Remus reminded him.

"You're damn right! But where would you be if it weren't for my drama? Bored, that's... where. Poor James probably goes into hibernation if there's nothing to gossip about." Sirius protested smugly, "And I'll have you know that I plan to be out of that horrible house the second it's possible."

Remus almost regretted his words, remembering the type of people Sirius's family were. Almost. Every time he tried, though, he remembered how early it was.

"Sirius..." Remus started but was cut off with a glare.

"Never fear, Remus. Nothing in life is free."

"Um... Great."

"I mean hard work will be rewarded."

"What do you..."

"Perserverance, Remus."

"Are you just... saying words now?"

"REMUS! Pay attention!"

Remus jumped, silenced under Sirius's scolding tone.

"I mean that all of this will pay off. The results will be completely worth it."

Remus sighed, "Sirius, I'm not even sure I want a girlfriend. I like having time to myself. Christine was nice and I had fun but... I dunno."

"So get a boyfriend."

Remus rolled his eyes, "I'm being serious."

"So am I."

"No puns this early in the morning. Actually, no puns ever."

Sirius huffed, "I wasn't making a pun. Believe me. I get enough of them without fueling the fire myself. But I wasn't kidding. Get a boyfriend."

"What? Why? I'm not gay!"

"People change. You could learn to love it, who knows?"

"That's messed up, Padfoot."

Sirius shrugged, turning to take a sip of coffee.

Remus had little patience for Quidditch. He did, however, need to distance himself from Sirius Black. So when James announced he was heading out for some late night Quidditch practice after dinner, Remus was eager to tag along.

"So it's going as well as you thought, huh?" James asked, grinning, as they walked down to the pitch.

Remus groaned, "It's a nightmare. If you only knew half of what goes on in that brain of his..."

James laughed, "That's Sirius. Love it or hate it."

"Hate it." Remus confirmed, "I had no idea it'd be this bad."

"You saw the contract!"

"And that wasn't even the half of it!" Remus argued, "I thought it'd be... I dunno, a little nudge in the direction of some girls. Maybe a little smooth talk coaching. Not the total and uncomprimising upheaval of my entire life!"

James looked him over, "It's not all bad. You dress better."

Remus rolled his eyes, "He's actually going to kill me."

"You did agree to let him help you," James reminded him gently, "And he's only got your best interests at heart. That's the beauty of our Padfoot. He doesn't do anything without a good reason."

Remus made a begrudging noise of agreement. They reached the pitch in silence and James ducked into the changing rooms to shed his uniform. Remus found a seat in the stadium while he waited. When James emerged, he joined him while he clipped the tail of his broom.

"So I suppose you were up at some ridiculous hour this morning." James said conversationally.

Remus groaned at the memory, "I don't know how he does it. He reckons it's because girls are lonely and desperate in the morning."

"What?" James laughed.

"Something like that, I don't know, I didn't pay too much attention."

James shook his head, grinning. Remus remembered the conversation he'd had with Sirius that morning.

"He said something weird today." Remus mentioned.

James raised his eyebrows, "When doesn't he?"

"True... But this was really weird."

"Do tell."

"Well I was trying to get out of this whole thing this morning. I was telling him I don't really want a relationship- No, a girlfriend right now and he says 'Get a boyfriend'." Remus explained.

"You know him, he's just giving you a hard time." James shrugged, continuing working on the broom.

"That's what I thought! But he was actually genuine about it. He said something like 'people change' and I'll 'get used to it'."

James nodded as if waiting for Remus to finish the story.

"So?" Remus urged.

"So what?"

"Feedback!" Remus snapped, "Reaction, comments! Give me something here!"

James frowned, "What? It's hardly a surprise."

Remus blanched, "I just told you that your best friend has been promoting homosexuality to the point where one could almost suspect him and you're 'hardly surprised'? Come on James!"

"What do you mean, 'one could almost suspect'?"

"What do _you _mean, 'one could almost suspect'?"

"We're going in circles..."

Remus took in a deep breath of the cool night air.

"Okay." he said slowly, "Sirius said something today that hinted at activities of the homosexual nature. That's what I know."

"So? Actions speak louder than words, don't they?"

Remjus continued taking in soothing breaths to avoid an explosion.

"What actions?"

James rolled his eyes, "Oh come on Moony, you can't be that daft, he's not exactly quiet about it."

The puzzle pieces were sliding into place. Slowly.

"About what?"

James laughed, "You can't not notice! He's had it off with nearly every guy in Gryffindor!"

"WHAT?"


	8. Last to Know II

**... I'M SO SORRY!**  
><strong>I know I missed and chapter last week and OH GOD I'M SORRY! I wish I could be like 'Here, have an extra chapter to make up for it' but all I have are these half baked excuses! I suppose you can have them anyway...<strong>

**So in all seriousness, I'm genuinely really sorry but school has been hectic. They're really piling the assignments on and all in the same two weeks. So I'm had absolutely no time to write. ****That and, embarrassingly enough, I broke my glasses and need to get some new ones. Without them, it's really hard to write for a long time and not get a headache. So there's that. ****Anyway, I'm super sorry and I'll try not to let it happen again! Love you all, hopefully you don't hate me!**

* * *

><p>Twilight was beautiful at Hogwarts. The night's first stars were bright and visible in the countryside air, not like in the smog covered suburbia, and they glimmered twice as bright, reflected in the dark, vast lake. A crisp breeze seemed to cleanse the air of it's daylight drama, leaving a sweet, fresh feeling for the day to come. The Hogwarts grounds were quiet.<p>

Except for the laughter, of course.

Great, barking gasps that sounded almost painful and didn't sound like they would stop anytime soon.

"James!" Remus snapped over the noise, "Stop it! Stop laughing and explain!"

"I... Y-you looked... HA!... So...!"

Remus rapped his friend on the back a little harder than he should have.

"Yes, yes, I looked surprised, we've been over this-"

"I... can't believe...!"

"James! Shut up or I'll take up taxidermy!"

The Hogwarts grounds were quiet.

Remus took in a deep breath, "Okay... Now, explain to me- Without laughing!-"

James bit back his giggles.

"-what you just said."

James took a moment to steel himself.

"I told you that Sirius- I can't believe you didn't know!"

He'd lasted longer than Remus had expected, at least.

"James, for the love of Merlin. He never told me!"

"He never told me either!"

"Then how did you know?"

"I have eyes!" James howled.

Remus rolled his.

"Was it obvious?" he asked worriedly.

James nodded wordlessly, clutching his stomach as he laughed.

"But... how?" Remus struggled with his thoughts, trying to remember any clues that might have suggested Sirius being gay.

"He's Padfoot!" James exclaimed, "He doesn't operate like everyone else, you know that. He does what he wants and who he wants!"

Remus was silent and, eventually, James was too, eyeing Remus with speculation.

"You're not against it, are you?" James asked, defense already seeping into his tone, "Because he's still Sirius, no matter what, and he's still our friend-"

Remus cut his off with a shake of his head.

"No, of course not, I don't... mind, it's just..." Remus frowned, "But what about his family! They're the epitome of pureblood, they can't be okay with this."

James shrugged, "They probably don't know. They don't pay him enough attention to guess and he definitely wouldn't tell them."

Still chuckling to himself at Remus's ignorance, James climbed to his feet, slinging his broomstick over his shoulder. He threw some closing jibe at Remus that the werewolf barely heard, dismissing him with an indifferent noise.

Leaning back in his chair, Remus tried to process the new information.

Sirius Black was gay. Or half gay, at least. Remus still saw him with girls and Sirius definitely talked about them enough. So why, Remus wondered, didn't Sirius talk about the guys? If he was as openly bent as James had said, why wasn't he regalling the dormitory with tales of his male conquests, too?

That aside, Remus was surprised to note that he wasn't... surprised. About Sirius being gay, at least. Not anymore. Now that he thought about it, Remus could definitely make his peace with the idea. Sirius was always that guy. From the time he showed them dirty magazine he'd found in first year to when he gave them all their first beer, it was plain that Sirius would never be satisfied with normal.

It wasn't like Remus wasn't accustomed to the idea. He could name a large quantity of his friends who had confessed an attraction to the same sex at least just out of curiosity. And besides, he reasoned, who was he to judge? Snogging a boy was marginally less scandalous than turning into a rabid, murderous monster once a month.

Still, Remus was disturbed.

Why, he couldn't tell, considering his mind was running a constant speel on how okay he was with the whole thing. He supposed that perhaps, as childish and petty as it sounded when he thought it back, he was upset that Sirius hadn't told him. After all, they told each other everything. It was just the way their little group worked. No secrets.

But according to James, it wasn't a secret. Remus just couldn't believe that he was so unobservant.

James returned just as Remus was mulling this over.

"That was quick." Remus commented lightly.

"I'm just that good." James shrugged.

Remus shot him a look.

"Couldn't do many drills on my own."

Remus looked up, "I could give you a hand."

They both scoffed. Yeah, right.

"So," James said, retaking his seat next to Remus, "Have you recovered?"

"Yeah... no... I just... I dunno." Remus huffed at his ridiculous answer and tried again, "I'm still on it."

"What part of it?" James asked as he untied his shoelaces, slipping his trainers off and leaning back to stretch.

"I think just that I didn't know. I'm not oblivious, am I? I'd like to think I pay attention." Remus frowned.

"I thought you did too," James scoffed, "But he's not quiet about it."

"But he does talk about it! Like he does when he's into a girl!"

James frowned now, "He does to me and Pete."

Remus blinked, "What?"

"Yeah, all the time." James thought about it for a moment, "He doesn't do it in the dormitory though. At least not when you're around."

They shared a look as they both caught on.

"But why would he want to keep that from me?" Remus asked, frustrated, "What, did he think I wouldn't understand?"

James bit his lip, looking into the distance and he thought about it.

"I don't know," he murmured worriedly after a moment, and then looked at Remus, "Maybe you should talk to him."

"But maybe I'm not supposed to know. Maybe he was waiting for the right time to tell me." Remus suggested, "I'd rather hear it from him when he's ready, rather than force it out of him."

"He'd been a waiting a long time, then." James shook his head, "That's not it. He didn't tell Peter and I, we found it out ourselves."

They grew silent after that. Remus was stewing inside. Why the hell wouldn't Sirius tell him? After everything they'd been through, why didn't Sirius trust him? Was he not as good a friend as James and Peter?

The sky had darkened by the time James stood up.

"We should get going," he suggested, "Come on."

Remus followed suit, barely aware of his movements as they walked up to the castle. His mind was racing.

James was reciting a story Peter had told him about sneaking out of class as a rat when he was cut off with a gasp.

"-almost got stomped on- What? What's wrong?"

Just as soon as he exclaimed, Remus looked down, as faint blush appearing on his cheeks. James frowned.

"Everything okay?"

Remus nodded slowly.

"Erm... I just... Don't take this the wrong way, I'm just... asking," Remus stammered, looking anywhere but James's face, "Have you and Sirius ever...?"

THWACK!

"OW!"

"That is what you get. You get my broomstick in your face for idiocy."

"I was just asking!"

"I have standards, Remus!"


	9. The Rift

**Urgh, sorry this is a day late, guys, I'm still in the thick of assignment time xS Hopefully it'll be better by next week, though. Anyway, enjoy the chapter!**

**P.S 'The only thing I have left in my head is songs by bands called Tricksy Pixie' is something my best friend said to me in math class. It was actually a pretty similar situation; I was keeping secrets and apparently she never does. I didn't know what it meant or if it was even a band but I thought it was hilarious.**

* * *

><p>When Remus found Sirius that night, the dark haired Marauder of questionable morals and sexuality was alone, fortunately, in the dormitory. James and Peter were enjoying a game of chess in the common room but Remus hadn't been able to focus, mind reeling from the earlier conversation. He stumbled upon the object of his confusion by accident. Sirius, sitting cross legged on his bed examining a piece of parchment, held his hands together at his chest and bowed his torso when Remus walked in.<p>

"Aaaah, my young apprentice... You sit now, observe zee grand master..."

Remus hardly registered the ridiculous accent Sirius was putting on, still unable to focus. He stumbled numbly to Sirius's bed and sat at the opposite end where his friend/sensei had indicated.

"Zis, apprentice, is zee modern man's most essential tool..." he turned to Marauder's Map to face Remus.

Remus frowned, brought back out of his thoughts for a moment, "I-What?"

"Zis is map of zee castle," Sirius proclaimed, sweeping a hand slowly above the map in demonstration, "And also map of zee people... All zee people. What zey do, where zey... be."

He hovered his hand over the common room and all the tiny dots that marked the people inside.

"So, if used correctly, zis is map-" Sirius suddenly swept up violently, landing in a crouch on the mattress with his hand raised to the sky, "OF ZEE PUSS-"

"Sirius, are you gay?"

Even the temples of Asia that Sirius so crudely mocked could never achieve the degree of silence that followed. It was long and painful and Remus regretted opening his mouth instantaneously. Eventually, however, Sirius unfroze from his ridiculous pose and flopped to the bed. Now of the same level, their eyes locked. Remus was startled by the alarm in the silver orbs that so often held such indifference. The dark haired Animagus seemed to struggle to speak. His lips parted many times but his words seemed to choke him. When he couldn't take it anymore, Remus broke the intense eye contact and the silence.

"I-it's just I... Well, I already know you are... I just wanted to..." Remus stopped. Pathetic.

A ghost of a mocking smile pulled at Sirius's lips but he was clearly far from joking.

"Um... Who told you?" Sirius voice barely carried the length of the bed.

Grateful from his quick risk evaluation skills, the product of being best friends with two borderline pyromaniacs, Remus immediately remembered to protect James. Judging by what he heard and now Sirius's reaction, it was obvious that this was meant to be a secret. From him, at least. The thought returned some of Remus's anger from earlier. Why could everyone else know but him? Still, he had a duty to protect James.

"I... I heard it in passing from a couple of girls and so I asked around a bit... Nobody important, though."

Unfortunately, his lying wasn't quite up to scratch.

"It was James."

Sirius's observation was impeccable, at least. They'd be lethal as a unit, Remus noted somewhere in the back of his mind.

Remus was forced to nod, resigned to the fact that lying was not an option. With his skill, he'd probably end up relaying the entire conversation word for word before he noticed.

Sirius sighed but thankfully didn't get angry.

"I didn't want you to find out this way." he murmured instead.

Remus frowned. All informant protection was blown, he wanted answers.

"Why? Everyone else knew, why not me?"

Sirius shifted, fingers curling around themselves as he again struggled to find words.

"I don't see why this is a big deal." he finally managed. Remus shot him an exasperated look.

"Of course it's a big deal! Or... not? I don't know! But irregardless, it's something you should have told me!"

Sirius frowned, "Why? It doesn't affect you!"

Remus stopped. Sirius was right. It didn't affect him at all, why did it bother him so much?

"Besides, I didn't tell James or Pete..." Sirius added quietly. Remus could feel his friend watching him closely but he didn't look up just yet, still deep in thought.

"But... you obviously wanted to keep it a secret from me." Remus said slowly, looking up to meet his friend's gaze.

Obviously, he'd hit the nail on the head because Sirius had broken eye contact almost instantly.

"Well, I..."

Spurred on by his success, Remus continued, "James said that it was really obvious and everyone knew! He said that I was just really self absorbed and I should have realized but then he said he noticed that you never spoke about guys when I was around!"

Sirius cringed.

"It's not really my business if you didn't get around to telling me but you actively hiding it from me is another thing entirely! When did we stop telling each other things, anyway? You know everything about me! I tell you everything! Seriously, the only thing I have left in my head is songs by bands called Tricksy Pixie!"

Sirius frowned, "Is that even a ba-?"

"I don't know! The point is... Well, you know."

Sirius nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry I kept it from you," he said, "I wasn't meaning to at the beginning."

He flashed Remus a small, teasing smile, "You actually were kinda self absorbed."

Remus rolled his eyes but stayed silent.

"So anyway... After it was all out I was talking with Pete and he said that he didn't think you got the hint. I remember I was going to tell you... But then I couldn't-"

Alarm bells went off in Remus's head at that moment.

"Wait, wait! Peter knew that I didn't know?" Remus exclaimed incredulously.

Sirius's eyes widened, "Well, yeah, but..."

"So you've both been keeping this from me!" Remus stood up from the end of the bed, "Great, that's just brilliant! So when did I become the one who everyone lies to? Why is that even a thing?"

Sirius was a defensive person by nature, Remus knew that. There was even a specific look in his eyes when he felt threatened and intended to fight back. Yep, there it was.

"Well what about you?" Sirius, never to be outdone, jumped to his feet too, "Every second sentence you say nowadays starts with 'James told me' or 'I was speaking to James and'! And then it always finishes with something about me or Pete! I expect that kind of bitchiness from James but not you!"

Remus growled, "We wouldn't have anything to bitch about if you two didn't keep so many secrets!"

By that point, they'd reached the awkward moment of the arguement in which they'd both made their standings clear. The only thing that was left to do now was to storm out but, considering it was ten minutes until the curfew, they had, short of retreating to the bathroom, very little options. So, with one final scowl at each other, they both planted themselves on their beds and drew the curtains firmly shut. Good enough.


End file.
